Coming clean. Baring my soul. Whatever you’d like to call it. Here go the honest thoughts and feelings that are swirling around my whole body at 100 miles per hour.
5th grade, a guy I really liked told me that I was only ever going to be a friend. That no guy could take me as a girlfriend. Because, I was Maddie.
Flash forward to freshman year of high school. I got a boyfriend. Take THAT you mean 5th grader. And I was so proud of myself. The guy I got to call my boyfriend was someone who I didn’t give up on. So proud of myself, that I got to experience the bitter taste of pushing someone away before they had a chance to do that to me. He told me he thought another girl was pretty. And before he could see me sweat, we were done.
Senior year. He was my first. Everything. 14 months. I’m very vague to some of my close friends to why things ended. And that’s because I want to forget myself. To him, I was his trophy. We weren’t a good match. I forgot when I was with him how a woman was supposed to be treated by her man. And when I remembered, I left.
Oh hello December of 2011. Long time no man. But, life’s funny this way. When you aren’t looking, the universe throws in that wrench. This wrench was a 19 year old bag boy who liked to party “party a lot.” as one might say, and warn me. I hadn’t seen him since junior year of high school. And even then, I didn’t really know him. We went to a party together. He got trashed, I got tipsy. The next week, we texted from 8am to 1am.
Within that week, we knew everything about each other. Writing this now brings tears to my eyes, remembering it. I had never opened up to anyone the way I did him. I wish I could share why I was so open. But, I trusted him.
Mistake number one.
“No matter what happens with us. Relationship. Friendship. I will NEVER leave you.”
“I will never hurt you.”
Guys, Y U lie?! It really kills us girls. Anyway, we ended up putting a label on it. After a date. After my friends warning me about his problems. After me not listening. My Christmas break had started off with a boyfriend. I had someone who understood me more than anyone ever had.
Now, what happens next, I hear isn’t my fault. Everyone tells me “that’s just him. It’s not your fault.” Guess what guys, I still think it is.
This guy hit a wall. He stopped texting me. Wanting to hang out. And I pushed. I pushed him and got angry and finally broke him down to a point where I said “we just broke up.”
3 weeks. I didn’t even get a new years kiss. He left me. He hurt me. His promise should have been “I’ll be the first guy to break your heart and not give a shit about it. Promise.”
This guy has validated that I, Madeleine Sophia Wert, am a failure at relationships. And if ANY guy wants to try and change that….
I’ll give you an A for effort.